Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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