I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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