its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
