Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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