its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
