i permit you to call me
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
