All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
