I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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