Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
