how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So much Jack, so little girl.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
