I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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