Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
