these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The uberlube is also flammable
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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