That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
