Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
