I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
