This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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