You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
