I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Dear god my vagina.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
