I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
