This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
