That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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