This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I had to cum in my sink.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
