everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
