I cannot find my penis.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
