i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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