I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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