I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
