Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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