I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
