I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You left your underwear on the fireplace
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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