So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
BRING THE BAGELS
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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