so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
In other news, I just burned my penis
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
