I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
