i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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