Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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