Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
