i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
