sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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