I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
