her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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