I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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