Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
