i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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