Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
