Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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