And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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