I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i came on her dog
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
