I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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