I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
